Monday, October 29, 2007

Dreams from My Husband: A story of the Vas and Insanity

Well, Blogger isn't letting me upload the pictures I was going to put on here (and they are just a couple cute ones of Keenan and Philip dancing in the kitchen), so that leaves me with not much to put up here..

Since I can't think of anything else to say, I've asked Philip to blog about a hilarious dream he had the other night:

I don't claim that this is hilarious, you can judge for yourself:

(10:30 pm: alarm goes off because Philip went to bed at 7 pm and set the alarm for 10:30 so he would wake up and take an Ambien CR to help sleep through the night because he was having trouble converting back to a day schedule after two weeks of nights and kept waking up at 1 am.)

Joia (To herself): Why is the alarm going off right NOW??
Joia: Are you going to turn that off?

(Philip, apparently awaking from a dream about what he had been doing earlier in the work week, rolls over turns off the alarm, and thinks that someone has just called because they realized that the vas deferens had not been cauterized (burned with electricity) during one of the vasectomy operations from earlier in the week. As fairly recent research indicates, this is the most important step to make sure the procedure does not fail.)

Philip (Slightly alarmed that they had forgotten to do this critical step, asks Joia): Can you get the phone?
Joia: What do you need the phone for?
Philip: For the buzzer thingy.
Joia: What buzzer thingy??

(Philip takes a solid 20 seconds to respond to this question, before formulating the following brilliant answer.)

Philip: Did you cauterize the ends?
Philip (Now frustrated that Joia does not understand at all what is going on): Did you do the vasectomy?
Joia (VERY exasperated and wondering how long this insane exchange could go on): Philip, I don't know what you're talking about, so I'm just going to get you the phone.

(Joia gets out of bed and goes and get the cordless extension from the office)

Philip (To himself): What is she so mad about? She's the one who woke me up in the first place.

(Joia brings the phone back, hands it to Philip and then watches over his shoulder to see what he is going to do with it.)

(Philip takes the phone, rolls over toward the clock, presses the talk button on the phone and the light on the screen comes on. He is looking for the cautery button so that he can use the short antenna of the phone, probably after taking off the cap, to finish the unfinished vasectomy that someone was calling about by cauterizing the ends of the vas deferens. He can't read the other buttons on the phone so he turns the screen off. He then picks up the other cordless phone extension, which had been sitting next to his side of the bed this whole time on the charger, and turns it on. Apparently this phone, while identical in appearance to the first phone, when viewed by the untrained eye, does not have a cautery button. Otherwise Philip could have just used it instead of having Joia get the office phone. Now using the light from the second phone to look at the buttons on the first phone he still can't find the cautery button, since it is only there in crazy land, so he turns that phone off and sets them both on the bedside table.)

Philip (to himself): I don't know why the vas deferens not being cauterized is an emergency at this time of day anyway, I'm going back to sleep.

(Philip closes his eyes and heads back to sleep, Joia also tries to go back to sleep.)

(10:39 pm: The alarm, having had only the snooze button pressed, goes off again, Philip keeps on sleeping. Joia, in disbelief that this is happening again, rolls over toward Philip...)

Joia (In as patient a tone as she can muster because she's now convinced that Philip was never awake during the whole ordeal): Honey ... I know you don't even know what I'm talking about, but the alarm should NOT be going off right now.
Philip: (Mumbles something unintelligible, rolls to look at the clock, stares at the clock for a solid 20 seconds, and then rolls back to Joia) Yeah....that's right.

(Philip turns off the alarm, resets it for 6:45 am, turns the alarm back on and heads back to sleep.)

Philip (To himself): Wow, that Ambien is some crazy stuff, I'm exhausted.
Joia (To herself): Wow, what just happened!? I'm exhausted.

(1:30 am: Philip wakes up, because he never did take the Ambien he was supposed to take at 10:30, Joia rolls over and realizes that Philip is awake.)

Joia (Impressed that Philip could pronounce the word vasectomy in his sleep): So do you remember talking to me about a vasectomy or something in your sleep?

(Philip proceeds to explain what he was actually thinking that whole time and they both laugh hysterically for quite some time).


Anonymous said...

This is hilarious! Cliff has talked to me in his sleep about work too. I try to play along as well as I can. One night he was looking me straight in the face talking to me like I was a nurse. I just knew he was kidding since his eyes were wide open. He wasn't kidding at all and started getting frustrated with me because I could not help him and was laughing at him. I got a really good laugh out of it! Cliff thought it was funny once I explained what he had done after I woke him up. The joys of residency!


Anonymous said...

that's hilarious!!! Sounds like something you'd see on ER!!!
Poor Phillip, work must be getting to him.

Anonymous said...

Ditto to Cherly's comments. This was a GREAT story to start my day off with!!!!!
Love you guys!
Laura :)

Mom W. said...

Yeah, Joia's right Philip, this IS hilarious!!! I was laughing so hard in the middle of it I could hardly keep reading. Thanks for sharing.. love, Mom W.

Shambach's said...

Wow, I loved it - Phil is hilarious!

My husband doesn't normally sleep talk, but it almost makes me wish he did to see what kinds of things he would talk about :-P Haha.

So yeah, Jason and I really enjoyed the story. Thanks for posting it!